The Paradox of Pain: A Dwelling Place of Grace

I have written on suffering and pain extensively over the last 15 years. The most in depth I ever went was when my father was dying in 2010. It was very painful but through his decline I wrote on the underlying purpose of suffering theologically as a thesis for college (theodicy). I know often what and why God allows it based on examples from the Bible. 

I admittedly don’t have individual answers to everyone’s questions but I know usually why, in an overacrhing sense, God acts or doesn’t act in situations of suffering. As I have been prone to say to many, “I don’t have ‘your’ answer to your suffering but I have ‘an’ answer based in Scripture.” Dad’s death now feels like it was a long time ago. That is because it was. Time has softened the sharp edges of his loss. I know that my mother is not long to this world and I will need to revisit this pain and loss again soon. Herein we see the one of the paradox of pain. It hurts intensely when it happens or as we're enduring it but over time, properly dealt with suffering and pain deaden or we find ways to manage it. Sometimes other suffering comes along that overcomes the prior like waves on the shore. We attenuate accordingly.

In the 15 years since dad left for the Lord, I lost a marriage of approximately 15 years. I lost numerous meaningless jobs. Most recently in the last two years I watched my fiancé Rebecca endure cancer treatments via chemotherapy and radiation. It was lousy knowing I couldn't help her at all except to be there when she needed help. In the cases of my father’s passing and Rebecca’s battle with cancer the one similarity was my inability to do anything to change the process or outcome. Except through one avenue...I prayed. Did it work? I guess it depends on who you ask. In some situations I believe it did, in other situations sometimes God just has different plans from ours. 

Through all of these trials I also had crowning moments. I watched my sons grow into upstanding Godly men. They are now both pursuing post-high school training and education as young adult men. They are finding their way in the world the way I did. I have tried to be there for them as much as possible. I still provide for them as much as I can but at the same time, I'm beginning to cut the tethers that bind parents to their children. The balance of responsibility for their own lives are now shifting to them. I just stand back and admire their progress. 

I found love again which I swore would never happen after the divorce. I struggled through decades of a love-hate relationship with women which, if I’m honest, I still struggle with. I inherently distrust women and their motives after being burned and gaslighted so often. Rebecca has helped change this in me because of a compassion for the abuses of my life. It is a relationship though and as with any relationship it has its ups and downs. I realize now as I have with everyone that you cannot make people do things. You can’t make people love you any more than God can make people love Him. That is a choice born of freewill. Even if God knows what I would eventually choose, it was still my choice. I now realize that a lot of the relationship issues was me unable to love myself. Forgive myself. When I realized God loves me and forgave me, then I could? Relationships are not one-sided dances. Whether they be platonic or otherwise, it takes effort from all parties involved.

I learned in all situations including the good of raising sons, that the only real power I have is to pray. I could affect no change to my own life let alone anyone else’s. I had to humble myself and get out of my own way. I was once a man who thought he knew it all. Had all the answers. I could handle any hardship. These losses showed me I am flawed, broken and wasn’t as tough as I thought I was. Life beat it out of me trial after trial. 

Here is another paradox of pain. It strips you down forcing you to start over lighter, more agile and mentally resiliant. It is strange how pain can break you down and make moments more poignent. Force you to focus through the distraction. 

When I rebuilt, the underlying support structure was based on God and His word. Every other base was just shifting sand. It was only then that the ground stopped shifting under my feet. It was then I was able to start to build a firm foundation for what remains of my life. The suffering is still here but I recognize it like an old visitor. I don’t attempt to evade it when it is clearly and directly in my path and meant for me. The fire is best dealt with by walking as directly through it as possible.

The benefit of walking directly into suffering’s center is you see that the center of pain is the dwelling place of God’s grace. Suffering is an unavoidable aspect of life in a fallen world. It's a call to endure by God for God's grace. This endurance and grace are the path to spiritual strength formation and a deeper, grounded hope. There's no guarantee against suffering, but there is a promise of God's presence and enablement to endure it.

Because it is a gift of grace, we learn a few lessons about suffering’s character that we should take note of and learn from. As stated before, pain is part of human existence both physical and mental. We are not entitled to the absence of it. The world is fallen and so are we. Even if God doesn’t remove the trial, He is present in it. He provides our way through or out of it eventually. One way or another.

Suffering is difficult but it builds endurance, humility and grace. Ofttimes, even those observing the suffering are affected by it as it has with watching Rebecca hopelessly at times. I pray more earnestly now and God is more immediate/imminent to me. It has strengthened my bond with Rebecca and God. I love more deeply now. I feel real joy when she has breakthroughs and victories.

I see suffering now for what it is...another test of faith. In the face of suffering, faith becomes an anchor, providing certainty and empowering endurance. In many situations my only way to help others that are suffering or help myself through it is to turn to God in faith to break a stalemate of discomfort or mental torment. I take my thoughts captive to God and allow him to bear the burden. If the pain is physical, I mentally withdrawal to a place of refuge where God allows me to endure. It is amazing how the mind can compartmentalize pain.

In the end, suffering is the story of Christ and the Cross. Suffering shows that the world’s expectation of comfort/success in all situations isn’t realistic and is improbable. Suffering forces a person to release the childish dreams of an idyllic painless world that doesn’t really exist. If these are not let go of, faith turns to disillusionment and doesn’t prepare a person for hardship. The Gospel or Christ’s death on the Cross shows unequivically that ultimate good comes of the suffering. In this way God inverts the order of things and turns the Fall of Man into a crowning acheivement. Your pain and suffering are temporary. The glory and reward to overcome it is eternal. Toiling instills a sense of value and importance.

In this way suffering becomes more about time and movement towards a place not about being immobile unable to move. God beckons you to him in these times. He is your refuge. It is in His presence that you find relief. The key word here being 'find'. It is there that you will discover grace. It is only with this grace that you can truly understand the love of God. Keep moving towards the light. In time suffering ends and is replaced with joy. The darkness lasts only for an evening but light comes in the morning. Run, walk or crawl towards the light. How you get there doesn't matter, the fact that you are moving towards it does. The act of moving to something away from something else puts you on the right heading. Persevere.