January 5, 2013

The Dark Sucker Theory

Of course this is theoretical satire but it's as valid and as real a theory as any recent theory coming out of the acadamia nowadays. As goofy as this post is, it is not much different than what we see being claimed as the next great discovery in the likes of the Higgs Boson or Dark Matter. This is a story often passed around Boy Scout circles. The theory first surfaced in the mid-90's and keeps getting more fanciful and whimsical as the years pass. In all its shadowy and gloomy language it sheds quite a bit of light in an amusing way on they highfalutin nonsense passed off as scientific theory.

I present it with my tongue planted firmly in my cheek.
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For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise.  Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark.  Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.

The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light. First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.  For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere.  The larger the Dark Sucker, greater is its capacity to suck darkness.  Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room. So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever.  Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck.  This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker. You can see and example below of a Dark Sucker in the process of sucking dark on the right and a Dark Sucker fully filled with dark on the left having completed its job of sucking up all the surrounding darkness.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker.  A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it.  If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black.  This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle.  One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers.  In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit.  When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass.  When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat.  Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker.  Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass.  This generates an enormous amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle. Also, dark is heavier than light.  If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light.  If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker.  When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top.  This is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light.  If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet. As light would need to push to reach you retinas, it stands to reason that the dark would be pushed out in front of it or it literally would be moving faster than the light itself.

It should be noted also that Dark Sucker Theory also draws a lot of loons with their own "alternative" theories! There are now a lot of pseudo-scientific ideas that dark is created spontaneously at all points in the universe.  It is believed that this "dark creation energy" is behind the dark matter particles which, as predicted by quantum dark sucker theory, are constantly coming into and going out of existence. 

There are many things wrong with this unenlightened theory.  The main one being that I didn't come up with it.  For another, it completely ignores the established action of Darkons being pulled from nothing material.  Another ridiculous claim is that the universal blackshift is caused by the dark suction towards the center of the universe (earth). Dark gets tired after traveling through the universe for millions of dark years so it begins to slow down the farther it needs to travel, hence an elongated blackshift similar to light's redshift.

So remember, the next time you see an electric bulb or a candle, don’t forget that it is a Dark Sucker.

...and remember, its just a theory.

[For more enlightenment on Dark Sucker Theory go here]
[For more enlightenment on Darkolution go here Oh wait, no one has devised this crackpot theory yet]

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