They say people that have existential crises usually have
had either some dissatisfaction with their life or a major psychological trauma.
I can’t say either were that true. What I did believe was before the breakdown occurred
I had started believing that life had no purpose or external meaning. For all intents
and purposes I had become a hedonistic nihilist. Because of this I had begun to
feel alone and isolated from the world. When one has no perceived meaning for
their life…they end up going in search of one. Blaise Pascal understood this and expounded on it in Pensées.
"What else does this craving, and this helplessness, proclaim but that there was once in man a true happiness, of which all that now remains is the empty print and trace? This he tries in vain to fill with everything around him, seeking in things that are not there the help he cannot find in those that are, though none can help, since this infinite abyss can be filled only with an infinite and immutable object; in other words by God himself" Blaise Pascal-PenséesIt is the age old question: What am I...and for what true purpose am I here. From a specifically biblical point of view it is better asked: Why was I created and for what purpose was I created for. If I was a nihilist I would believe I had no purpose but because I am Christian saved by grace, not only do I have a purpose, I was created specifically for that purpose. So as a dutiful Christian, I went in search of said purpose. So what was/is it?
Reality as I had understood it for 39 years had been
shattered and I had to reexamine what I perceived as reality and truth. For all of 39
years I had essentially become a practicing Christian Atheist. I said and
believed I was Christian without ever fully understanding or accepting what it
was to be Christian. Intellectual accent is not Christianity nor is being a good person and doing good things. For all pragmatic and practical purposes I had acted and
behaved as an atheist living life as if God did not exist. In hindsight I see
that my worldview was devoid of God except as an affirmative claim I made to others when
asked if I was a believer. In practice I was unrepentant and a condemned
sinner. Saying and doing are two different things. When the Christian rubber
meets the Christian road either the hot rod of the Christian life takes off
down the line in pursuit of the will of God or it spins violently and catastrophically
out of control into a flaming wreck. A true believer clings tenaciously to Christ and the Gospel, a
false believer panders to their sin and their lives are an ever-shifting morass
of spiritual fish-tailing and senseless burnouts. I had done a few fishtails and the Christian life had gotten off to a squirrelly start but with the aid of the Holy Spirit I have straighten out down the line.
Matthew 7:21-23 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’
will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father
who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy
in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in
your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me,
you workers of lawlessness.’
The psychologists and the counselors said I had Chronic
Depression. It was clear to them I had had a quintessential midlife crisis that culminated in
the proverbial nervous breakdown. Regardless of what exactly "it" was....life had become chaotic. It was a matter of,"Goodbye normalcy, hello antidepressants and Xanax." The immediate devastation to my life took a
few weeks to recover from. The deeper damage took months, perhaps years. To a greater extent I managed a full recovery but my outlook had changed
from the selfish materialistic now to something beyond. I recognize now that
it may or may not have been psychological in origin but what I am certain of
about the origin of it was this…it came from and had been allowed by God. It was a divine wake-up call. The weight of the air around
me during this time was heavy and oppressive. Even as a pagan I sensed the
presence of something bearing down on me, holding me in place. The fog of it
all and the confusion did not abate until I took the steps to get to
church. The clarity I once had did not return until the pastor of that church
strongly recommend that I start reading the Bible at Matthew 1:1 (thanks Randy). So I began to
read and immersed myself in Scripture. At first I started reading to convince myself that
it was all bull manure but as I read I never did find the contradictions I was
told were in it. Instead I found it had continuity and cohesive depth from the first word to the last.
It took me
about 4 or 5 months to complete the New Testament and comprehensively
understand the flow and general principles of those books. Once I completed
that New Testament I started the Old. It would then take me another year and a
half to complete the Old Testament and have a general comprehension of it. From
there I bought and read Wayne Grudem’s Systematic Theology and Donald Guthrie’s
New Testament Theology. This of course set me on a journey for a
degree in Theology.
The nervous breakdown was the literal spiritual hinge-point
that would send everything in my life careening towards the God of the Bible. All the while,
as I became more versed in the Scriptures I realized that all the symptoms that
led to the existential change (unrepentant sin), the physical mental effects
and the outcome all had a parallel in some of the Old Testament narratives and to some extent, in the demoniacs of the New Testament. All
the people that had been through similar things had either not been walking
closely with God, were demon oppressed individuals or were blaspheming pagan unbelievers summoned towards God. It
is through dramatic turns of events that they would all come to know God was
God and that they are finite and dependent on Him in some manner.
For me I realized that I was closer to the end of my life
than the beginning and the prospect of an impending death set me on a course to
analyze what I was living for and what I truly believed. Being the deep thinker
that I am I pursued avenues that I hadn’t normally pursued in my mechanical,
empirical past. I ended up turning towards the metaphysical because it was apparent
to me that the scientific and naturalistic explanations hit a wall when dealing
with deep philosophical issues concerning existence and mortality.
So what about the existential crisis that is often provoked
by a significant event in the person's life like a psychological trauma, broken marriage, separation, major loss, the death of a loved one, a life-threatening
experience, psychoactive drug use, etc. None applied. It is because the Psyches
and Counselors could find no trigger point or trigger incident that I began to
formulate my own theory on what happened. Every path and every
decision since that time has reaffirmed that my theory was correct.
God had directly intervened in my life and that of my family.
It wasn’t so much an existential crisis as it was a spiritual reorientation. The breakdown was directly reminiscent of narratives like Nebuchadnezzar and the grass eating incident, Paul’s Damascus Road experience and Zechariah being struck mute. Because I had made my way of thinking my own God, God struck me. That strike had some unpleasant, profound and long-lasting implications.
God had directly intervened in my life and that of my family.
It wasn’t so much an existential crisis as it was a spiritual reorientation. The breakdown was directly reminiscent of narratives like Nebuchadnezzar and the grass eating incident, Paul’s Damascus Road experience and Zechariah being struck mute. Because I had made my way of thinking my own God, God struck me. That strike had some unpleasant, profound and long-lasting implications.
What had happened to me had happened for all the same
underlying issues in Nebuchadnezzar's, Paul’s and Zechariah’s life: Unrepentant sin,
doubt and irreverence towards God.
Daniel 4:28-34 ~ “All this happened to King Nebuchadnezzar. Twelve
months later, as the king was walking on the roof of the royal palace of
Babylon, he said, “Is not this the great Babylon I have built as the royal
residence, by my mighty power and for the glory of my majesty?” Even as the
words were on his lips, a voice came from heaven, “This is what is decreed for
you, King Nebuchadnezzar: Your royal authority has been taken from you. You
will be driven away from people and will live with the wild animals; you will
eat grass like the ox. Seven times will pass by for you until you acknowledge
that the Most High is sovereign over all kingdoms on earth and gives them to
anyone he wishes.” Immediately what had been said about Nebuchadnezzar was
fulfilled. He was driven away from people and ate grass like the ox. His body
was drenched with the dew of heaven until his hair grew like the feathers of an
eagle and his nails like the claws of a bird. At the end of that time, I,
Nebuchadnezzar, raised my eyes toward heaven, and my sanity was restored. Then
I praised the Most High; I honored and glorified him who lives forever.”
Luke 1:20 ~ “And now you will be silent and not able to
speak until the day this happens, because you did not believe my words, which
will come true at their appointed time."
Acts 9:3-9 ~ “Now as he went on his way, he approached
Damascus, and suddenly a light from heaven shone around him. And falling to the
ground he heard a voice saying to him, “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting
me?” And he said, “Who are you, Lord?” And he said, “I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting.
But rise and enter the city, and you will be told what you are to do.” The men
who were traveling with him stood speechless, hearing the voice but seeing no
one. Saul rose from the ground, and although his eyes were opened, he saw
nothing. So they led him by the hand and brought him into Damascus. And for
three days he was without sight, and neither ate nor drank.
I was being plucked from a life I had known and placed into
a different one on a different heading with a different purpose just like the Apostle Paul. I do not believe God did this in my life in a way that closely
paralleled biblical narratives because I am as important as these aforementioned
me. He did it because God wanted the parallels to these men to be unmistakable to me. I believe now that
He wanted it clear to me that it was Him that was causing these dramatic cataclysms
in life and changing my destination. Furthermore, because He is sovereign, these things were happening for
a specific and deliberate reason according to a plan.
I now understand that at their root all these events were to
bring glory to God but at the time they were scary as Hell. They were scary
because I didn’t trust God. To some extent I still don’t and that is a
lack of faith. I believe these things will improve over time as my relationship
with Christ improves. More so these events were to put me on a path to proclaim
the Gospel of Jesus Christ. They were also to make me more holy like Christ. In
making me holy I could then have a sanctifying effect on those around me in my
life. This path of course has been riddled with potholes and detours but most
are because of my own sin and digressions. But as I have learned through
biblical narrative and my own life, God’s purposes will not be thwarted. I chose
to do what I chose. My choices led me astray and farther afield of God. It wasn’t
until god directly intervened that life turned around.
As it turns out, it is a life that has been filled with much
more uncertainty, discomfort and heartache. At the same time it has had
more rewarding highs and more meaningful pauses or reflections. Like a man rising
from the dead, my life has come back from a destination firmly embedded in
death and heading towards premature extinction. My life has been resurrected from death to
life. In so doing I have been given an opportunity to escape slavery to sin into
a life of freedom in Jesus Christ.
Praise God for His steadfast love and faithfulness.
[Addendum: One of the interesting things that I learned about Chronic Depression or what appeared to be mimics of these conditions was that it affected quite a few theologians, preachers and men of Faith. Not the least of which were Charles Haddon Spurgeon, A.W. Pink, St. Augustine, Martin Luther, John Bunyan, John Wesley and Jonathan Edwards to name a few. This condition seems so prevalent in preaching and ministry circles that Martyn Lloyd-Jones actually wrote a book on it: Spiritual Depression. Those that would say true Christians never get depressed, well, those people clearly haven't read the Psalms, Ecclesiastes and Job]
[Addendum: One of the interesting things that I learned about Chronic Depression or what appeared to be mimics of these conditions was that it affected quite a few theologians, preachers and men of Faith. Not the least of which were Charles Haddon Spurgeon, A.W. Pink, St. Augustine, Martin Luther, John Bunyan, John Wesley and Jonathan Edwards to name a few. This condition seems so prevalent in preaching and ministry circles that Martyn Lloyd-Jones actually wrote a book on it: Spiritual Depression. Those that would say true Christians never get depressed, well, those people clearly haven't read the Psalms, Ecclesiastes and Job]
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